Quitting

Creating the space to think and feel

The anecdote

I had been on stress leave for about two months. This was after using all of my sick leave, and all of my annual leave. It was time to go and have a chat with my boss about where to from here.

When it started to become apparent that my wife was considering separation, I found myself in a position where I could no longer work. I had not been enjoying the job itself for more than a year but had been sticking at it because my wife was only just getting back into her work after a period of maternity leave and a redundancy. But also because I did not know how to find more of the work that I loved to do. I had experience moments of doing work that felt in my flow, but the current job certainly was not this.

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I could put up with poor work while other things in my life were going well. But as soon as there was trouble in my relationship, the stress and dissatisfaction in my job become too much to continue with. I started to freak out at work, having moments of anxiety and overwhelming stress. And so taking some leave was the only thing I could do.

My workplace was pretty good through all of this. Perhaps they could have offered me more support - emotional awareness and understanding of mental health was not one of their strong suits. However, they did reach out, and gave me all the time I needed to get through the difficult situation I found myself in. This meant being able to take as much leave as I needed.

During the period of my stress leave I had come to the conclusion that I needed to stop doing this kind of work. It was well-paid, but it did not bring me any joy. I did not know what else I would do. I did not even know when I would have the mental strength to be able to work again. But I knew that I had to make a decision.

My boss was amazing. A great listener and although unable to fully understand my experience, gave it his best shot. I told him that it was time for me to resign. He heard me, encouraged me to stay, and said that I could take all the unpaid leave that I wanted. At this point my resolution to resign waivered. I said I would have a think about what he said and get back to him.

Riding the tram on the way home I thought things through. It became clear to me that having the safety net of a job waiting for me was actually something that would hold me back. I wanted to step out into the unknown. I wanted to feel the risk of not knowing what was next. I needed that in that moment. It was time to be decisive.

As soon as I got home I sent him an email saying that I was resigning. In that moment I was elated. And the next day I crashed.

I was single, unemployed, balding and grieving. What the fuck had I just done?

The insight

I was in a fortunate position where I had some savings that allowed me to resign without needing to have a job to go to straight away. That and a family I knew would support me if things go really tough.

However, it was still a moment of courage for me to say no to my only employment option and to step into the unknown. I created a precedent in my life: of trusting my instincts and my ability to dance with whatever comes my way. Of not choosing the safe option. Of creating space for new things to emerge.

The consequences

The consequence of quitting for me was the instigation of a gap year, from which many wondering things come.

And there are ongoing consequences of this decision for me, like giving me the experience to choose this kind of thing again and again. This is something I am doing again right now. I have resigned from my current position to start my own independent consulting business. There is the same fear and desire for certainty. But I feel the rightness of it. I feel the need to move with my body.

There are also some downsides to this decision. I took a big financial hit by resigning from the job and taking a gap year. As I look at it now, that money would have been very handy in going towards creating a home for my kids and doing more of the work I want to do.

But managing finances is the subject of another post. Something I need to get much better at myself.

The mindful wrap-up

Not everyone is in a position to safely resign from their job when going through a difficult time. And there are consequences for doing so. Paul Millerd writes a great newsletter for people considering doing such a thing and building a different kind of life in an incremental way. There is a tension and fine line between recklessness and courage.

Quitting altogether may not be a good idea. But being able to talk with your boss about the situation, to perhaps move to part-time work, or take a longer break to collect yourself, maybe just the thing you need to find your bearings again before getting back into things.

Go slow. Create some space to think and feel. Talk with trusted people about all the things you are thinking through. As individuals we can be poor decision-makers, particularly when under stress. We are much better when we can draw upon the collective wisdom of three to five others.