Survive

Sometimes surviving is enough

The anecdote

Sometimes surviving is enough. Dropping the expectations of anything more than getting through the day with everyone in one piece is all that is necessary.

The slowly deepening realisation that my marriage was ending, and that all the future plans I had in my head would no longer come to be; this was sometimes more than I could handle.

I remember a day when I wanted to get the boys out of the house. We had been inside all day; they would have been about 3 and 5 at the time. I can't remember what we had done with the day up to that point. Probably watched a film. Got some food. My youngest probably had a sleep at some point. But I was destroyed regardless. And yet I wanted to get us outside.

But I was so distraught that I could not even get the shoes on the boys to get outside. The slightest resistance from them was more than I could handle at that moment. It would plunge me into deep sobs of grief and despair.

I had to ring up my sister to come and help me. She came over and helped get the boys dressed so that we could get out of the house.

I remember another instance where I was driving in the car. My mind was racing with all the scenarios that could play out from this moment. Would I find another partner? Would I be able to work again? Would I ever get through this grief? I was sobbing in the car. The boys were in the back seat. How could I ever get through this?

It was a minefield of dangerous, speculative thoughts that had no answers. At that moment I remember thinking, this is not that time to thrive. This is not the time to have answers. This is not the time to think any more than beyond this day or this car trip.

The insight

At moments like those, when despair is at its peak; when grief is overwhelming; when the situation seems like it will never improve; the most important thing is simply surviving.

And that might mean driving home safely. That might mean getting basic meals on the table so that everyone eats. That might mean just going to bed. That might mean watching movies all day. Or it might mean reaching out for help with the most basic of tasks.

Sometimes surviving is more than enough. It can be a monumental effort just to simply survive.

And in allowing ourselves to survive, we give ourselves a chance to start thriving again.

The consequences

I did survive. I got through all of those really tough days. It was not glamorous. It was quite ugly and gritty and pitiful at times. But somehow I found a way. I realised that I was much stronger than I thought. And that has put me in a place today where I could build upon that. Where I can think about thriving again.

And of course, there are still days when the only thing that matters is survival.

The mindful wrap-up

You might be in the middle of one of these moments at the moment, where you are wondering how you might even get through the next few hours. I hope that these words of encouragement can help you at that time. You are stronger than you think. You have resources within you you don't even know about. And you can tap into them to help you survive. That might mean strength to ask for help. It might mean strength to cook the next meal. It might mean strength to put down the device and go to bed.