There is something about my eldest. It is like I somehow grieve my childhood when I think about his. And it is like I can sense his pain and confusion, as if I am seeing my own at his age.
I don't fully understand it yet, but I think it is more about me than him. I think that he is probably doing okay, going through the normal childhood stuff, with a little extra (like having to navigate two homes) thrown in. There is nothing in his behaviour that I am overly concerned about.
It is in the moments when we part ways that I feel this grief most acutely. Perhaps I am feeling the grief of my own recent loss of intimacy and connection when we part ways. Perhaps I am feeling the lack of deep connection I felt with my own parents as a kid. Perhaps I am grieving that he is eventually going to feel his own deep pain and loss, as is the course of life.
The part I do know is that it hurts, and gets me pondering how much I long for, and how difficult it seems, to have intimate connection with another human being.