I may need to wait a few days before publishing this post. I think I need to edit and reread it after I have calmed down a bit. For the minute though I need to write down how I am feeling to help process what is going on.
I have been going through a job interview process, one that started about three months ago, and which today I was informed that my application had not proceeded to the final short list of 3.
An hour after finding out about this I still feel very disappointed. There is definitely a lot of ego tied up in this - I thought I was good enough to do this job, and if there was anybody going to be saying no it was going to be me saying it.
There is also a sense of wanting to be wanted. This is my first interview process since finishing my gap year, and I have a nagging sense somewhere deep down that I don't have anything of value to offer, or that if I do I want be able to find the place where this can be expressed. Going for a job I thought I should get, and then being told that I am not even in the top three, adds fodder for that nagging sense to make use of.
The drawn-out timeframe and quality of the interview process also adds to my frustration. Communication has been relatively sparse throughout the process, and the actually interviews themselves have left a bit to be desired. For a business that is lean and nimble and all about innovation and new ways of working, the interview process was from a bygone era. I would have expected more of a discussion based, rather than formal/panel based, interview process. One where I was asked to do some homework and present back some findings. I don't mind being put on the spot, but for the type of job they were looking to fill, I was expecting a different approach.
(Okay that last paragraph is me being perhaps justifiably pissed with them, perhaps exaggerating through being angry in this moment. Either way there isn't anything I can do about this. That is their stuff to improve and something for the person who gets the job to deal with. Let me see if I can actually get to what is going on within me...)
The crazy thing is that I actually know that I would not have accepted the job had I been offered it. They have made the correct decision about me despite the clumsiness of it. I am not exactly sure what it is, but there was something inside me that sunk whenever I thought about working there. This is despite it being a great business filled with purposeful people.
I think it is because I know that deep down I want to build my own business, not somebody else's. I have built other people's dreams before, and I don't think doing this again is going to offer me sufficient challenge or satisfaction. Nor would the logistics of that job work for me - it needed a 2-4 year commitment, whereas I don't really know what position I will be in in 12 months.
In continuing through the interview process despite my sense that the job was not right for me, what I was actually looking for was reassurance that I was still employable. I was looking for some external confirmation that I was enough.
The truth is I am enough. Just as I am, and I have a strong hunch that the direction I am going in is the right one for me. I don't know the details of how things will pan out, how I will earn an income over the next few months while I get my business off the ground.
I trust in the process which has taken me so far so quickly, and for the moment I allow myself to feel disappointed and vulnerable.