some of my thoughts
I write a little. Some of this is old and some of it new. I think my thinking has evolved over time.
After vulnerability
It is a bold step to be vulnerable, to be brave: to share something on Facebook that makes you feel exposed; to share something with a group you have not shared with anybody before; to reveal your faltering feelings to a loved one.
After this has been done a few times, in no longer takes bravery to keep doing it. Especially if the process is to keep going to new groups to be vulnerable for the first time, or to keep posting things on Facebook that put you out there.
What I am starting to think is that there is something more. Something about committing to a group or a relationship, about continuing to show up even if there is nothing particularly vulnerable or exciting to reveal. Its like there is an initial step of putting yourself out there, and then not going and looking for the next post-vulnerability hit or accolade (or hangover).
I'm sure Brene Brown would have quite a bit to say about this, and I admit my thoughts are raw on this matter. But speaking from my experience I don't have too much trouble showing up and revealing who I am to a group. What I seem to find harder is making a commitment to keep showing up, persisting, just as I am, feeling vulnerable or not.
Lessons from Zoolander
I watched Zoolander for the first time in 15 years last night. While watching I remembered how intimidated I used to be by the world of fashion and cool. Even though Zoolander is a parody, I still remember thinking that I wished I was as cool as Hansel.
Watching it again it is easy to see through that world. No doubt I have matured and become more comfortable in my own skin (and clothes). But there is something about looking back on a trend in the superficial, with the perspective of years, that takes away its ability to exclude and intimidate.
It is a small but sometimes difficult extension to then think about the circumstances within which I feel excluded and intimidated today. Instead of remaining in that moment of paralysis, what would trying to think like my future self do to my agency and approach to that situation?