The trouble with internally evaluated success

I want the success of my life to be determined by me. By how well I have lived according to my personal quest: connection; conversation; consciousness; wellbeing; context awareness; creation; contribution; curation.

According to these measures it is really only me who can decide if I am tracking to this or not. I like the idea of this. I want to live this way.

I run into trouble when I simultaneously want others to recognise that I am successful as well, and when I start to want the things that will show people that I am really making it now. Things like clothes, cars, houses, being well known, excess money.

I want to have it both ways, to be successful in my quest, and the have others envious of me because of the external trappings of that success. This is particularly true when I think about those I believe have slighted me: I will show them, I tell myself.

The truth that is sinking in, of course, is that in following my quest and being successful in it, it may not look like success to anybody around me. In fact, it may look like failure. Like I have no money, no external ornaments, not being all that well known.

This can be hard to swallow. I want to be adored and follow my quest. And perhaps I will. But more likely I think, I will be joyfully invisible.

The moment before

People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning. Then there will be no failure. 

 -- Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu

I have learnt that those moments when I feel the most stress, the most desire to give up, the most confused, and the most dispondent, these are the feelings that always come just before a big breakthrough.  

The irony is that they are also the moments when it is easiest to stop and give up, to declare failure.  

Noticing the feelings; calling bullshit on my rationalisations that tells me I have gone backwards; allowing myself to thrash in any way I see fit; and being curious about what is emerging: These are my personal best tools in enabling me to cling on in those moments. 

And then, in a moment, something changes. I meet somebody. I understand something. Something clicks. And the thing I was so worried about moments before now seems mundane. And I have come to a deeper understanding of myself and my existence.  

Bailing out too early

When I was a kid I played a lot of cricket, and was quite good. As a thirteen year old I had an opportunity to play for a club at a higher level, but I decided not to go to the final training session, and missed out on getting into the team. I bailed out because of some insignificant logistical reasons, and I remember thinking that it wasn't something I wanted to do anyway due to loyalty to my old club.

I am going through a similar thing at the moment where I am starting to interview for two really interesting jobs, neither of which I am yet sure I am perfectly suited for, or if they want me for the job, or if I want to work there. I don't know how it would impact my life and the things I am wanting to do, and the temptation is to pull out now due to the overwhelming uncertainty.

But this time I am going to stay in the process and see where it leads. There is the possibility they will decide I am not quite right for the job, and that I will decide the same. Or it may just be perfect. The only way to find out is to keep showing up.