The uncertainty of now

One of the hardest things for me to write about is the uncertainty of looking for a job, which is what I am experiencing right now.

It is hard because in the back of my mind I am wondering 'what if one of those people who I am looking to work with reads this post?'. This then changes what I write about.

So what I am writing is slightly moderated; safe for work as they say.

The matter is pretty simple: I want to earn some income. I don't know the manner in which I am going to do this. It is causing me angst. I am doing all kinds of things to distract myself from the discomfort.

What I want to do is to be able to sit with the discomfort. And that is what writing about this reminds me to do: sit; be; feel; observe. See where it leads. Observe where it has come from.

The truth is anything can happen. Things change quickly. I have faith.

People I fear meeting on the street

There is a small list of people that, when I think of bumping into them on the street, I feel a sense of dread.

This is usually based on some kind of unresolved conflict; some break in the relationship that was left unresolved for a number of years.

Recently this list decreased by two. Last year I reached out to a former business partner with whom I had fallen out (yes, over our business). It was something that happened over three years prior, and every time I thought of seeing him my body would tighten up. 

Last year I realised that I could get on the front foot and evaporate the tension between us, simply by giving him a call. I felt afraid, but when we spoke all was good and time had helped make our difference irrelevant.

This year an old friend reached out to me. We had not spoken to each other for about 6 years after a moment of tension was too much for either of us to handle. He messaged me via Facebook, we caught up, and once again it was good. We had both changed and experienced a lot in those 6 years, more than enough to put our previous tensions to rest.

There remain a couple of people with whom I still have this sense of dread, and I think the time may be too soon to rectify and reconcile them. I will not leave them too long, because I know how good it feels to not have any concerns about who I meet when I walk down the street.