I think I am falling in love

I am reading two amazing books at the moment. Sapiens and Dark Matter and the Dinosaurs.  

As I read them something is happening inside me that I don't quite understand. It feels important, like I am about to comprehend something brand new. 

This new thing seems to be about understanding at a deeper level the context within which I live. The context of my planet in space; of my species in the evolution of life; of my context in the grand scheme of time.  

And what seems to be flowing from this understanding is a new sense of purpose, and of love for the life I have, the life that is all around me, and the universe that holds it all in place. 

I have wondered recently if I truely love; if I can love again. Somehow through reading books of science I am becoming more spiritual, more loving.  

Limited love language

I am aware that what I am about to write could be a cop out....I hope it is something more than that.

I have been talking with a friend recently about the word love. He has a podcast called 'I Love You Man', which explores ideas about male vulnerability, the feminine side of being a man, and of men expressing their non-sexual love for their male and female friends.

I actually find the idea of telling another male friend that I love him to be confronting and difficult. In spite of this there are a few men who I have told that I love them, and they have returned the phrase to me. 

I find the idea of telling a female friend that I love her with that same kind of love to be currently beyond my capability. The English word does not actually seem to allow for the simple expression of connection without the connotation of something more.

As I ponder this I start to wonder if at least part of the problem is to do with the fact we only have one word for love in our language. Many people would be aware that the ancient Greeks, for example, had six words for love, all with very specific meanings, conveying many of the different elements contained in our single word:

• Sexual love (eros)
• Deep friendship (philia)
• Playful love (ludus)
• Love for all (agape)
• Longstanding love (pragma)
• Self-love (philautia)

The words I want to use to express the love I feel towards my male and female friends are Philia and Pragma love - long-standing, deep friendship love.

If I had more specific words for the feelings I wanted to convey, would I be more willing to tell those I loved that I loved them; to let them know the kind of love I had for them?

The last times

I wonder how often we aware of the last time we do a particular thing, at the time we are doing it. Like the last time we talk to somebody. The last time we change a nappy. The last time we kiss a lover. The last time we hold hands with our dad.  

I was thinking about that tonight after getting frustrated with my kids for not getting out of the bath exactly when I wanted them to; for not being quiet at the moment I asked them to as they went to bed; for asking me to lay down with them until they fell asleep. 

As I was laying next to them as they fell asleep, my three year old was asking me to tell him about memories I had of his life. thinking about all that has passed in his three years reminded me that having the magic of my kids wanting me to hold their hand as they fall asleep will also pass. 

How to embody the magic of each moment when so much conspires to rob away the joy?

"...work out your own salvation..."

The more days that pass, the more Sheldop Kopp's words ring true. I think I will write a post on each item in his Eschatological Laundry List. 

Another quote from his book:

Love is more than simply being open to experiencing the anguish of another person's suffering. It is the willingness to live with the helpless knowing that we can do nothing to save the other from his (their) pain.

We cannot work out the salvation of anybody else. We cannot take their pain away for them, force them to process things in a particular way because they seem so clear to us. Each person needs to own their own journey, and work it out as best they know how.

Choosing to work out my own salvation, and freeing others to do the same seems scary, uncertain, and probably liberating in the long run. Sometimes I just want to know that outcome, but in the end knowing the outcome would breed apathy.