The generosity of taking care of yourself first

I was talking to a friend recently who was struggling with finding time for himself in the midst of a hectic job and young family. It was an interesting time for him to be pondering this as he was coming to the end of a six week stint when his family was overseas, and he was able to rediscover what it was that helped him to feel energised and vital.

As we were talking we started to wonder about the extremes of the scenario where you were not looking after yourself for the supposed good of those whom you love. Would we be willing to neglect ourselves so much, and give so much of ourselves to others, that we would die for those we are closest to? No, definitely not a sensible approach. 

What about a level of neglect and giving where we made ourselves sick for our most loved ones? Probably not, but that definitely seems to happen.

What about a level of neglect and giving where we were sluggish most of the time, sometimes grumpy, and deprived of feeling our best, all for the good of those we spend most of our time with? Well, yes actually. That is exactly what we are willing and actively do most of the time.

We then speculated about turning this around and instead thinking, what do I need to give myself in order to ensure that I am present and energised with those closest to me as often as possible? Do I need to get away by myself once a year for two weeks of hanging out with my friends? Do I need an hour each day to sit and think, to exercise, to write, without any distractions? Do I need one night per week where I don't have any responsibilities at home, to go to a meet-up, a film, out for dinner, or play with my friends?

I think this is something we can all give ourselves. In many ways it seems selfish, but I think that in taking care of ourselves as best we can, we actually have more to give those we love the most. And this includes offering the same opportunities to our significant other to take care of themselves.

Laundry List Item 15: No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.

It is without doubt true that physically some people are stronger than others, and some people are weaker than others.

What Kopp seems to be hinting at is that on the inside we all have access to the same amount of strength and weakness, because we are all connected, are all made of the same substance, and we are all conscious beings.

This brings out the essence of Metta/Loving Kindness meditation, which reminds us that at our essence all beings want the same thing: to be well, to be happy, to be safe, to be peaceful and at ease. 

Of course there are things that get in the way of this truth, that mean we feel stronger than others, or weaker than others, or make us want things that actually do not make us happy or safe or well.

For me, I find it helpful to remember the equality of our strength of weakness in two key moments:

The first is when I feel weaker than somebody else - diminished in their presence. The truth is, I have as much strength and worth as that person, and I can embody it in that moment because of that truth.

The second is when I feel stronger and dominating somebody else - proud in their presence. The truth is they have as much strength and worth as me, and I can help them to embody that, and I can remember that the weakness I see in them is also in me.

Laundry List Item 14: You can't make anyone love you.

Sheldon Kopp's laundry list of items provides with ideas for blog posts for those days when I am not sure what to write about. The next item I am up to on his list is one that I have painfully learnt.

No matter what you do or say, it is so true and frustrating that you can't make anybody love you. Therefore there is no point in even trying.

As one of my podcast interviewees (to be release in the next few weeks!) said, the thing to focus on is self love, because you can learn to love yourself. And it is in loving yourself, in understanding what you need, and having the courage to give it to yourself, that we attract people along the way who will love us for who we are, and whom we can wholeheartedly love in return.