After vulnerability

It is a bold step to be vulnerable, to be brave: to share something on Facebook that makes you feel exposed; to share something with a group you have not shared with anybody before; to reveal your faltering feelings to a loved one.

After this has been done a few times, in no longer takes bravery to keep doing it. Especially if the process is to keep going to new groups to be vulnerable for the first time, or to keep posting things on Facebook that put you out there. 

What I am starting to think is that there is something more. Something about committing to a group or a relationship, about continuing to show up even if there is nothing particularly vulnerable or exciting to reveal. Its like there is an initial step of putting yourself out there, and then not going and looking for the next post-vulnerability hit or accolade (or hangover).

I'm sure Brene Brown would have quite a bit to say about this, and I admit my thoughts are raw on this matter. But speaking from my experience I don't have too much trouble showing up and revealing who I am to a group. What I seem to find harder is making a commitment to keep showing up, persisting, just as I am, feeling vulnerable or not.

Bailing out too early

When I was a kid I played a lot of cricket, and was quite good. As a thirteen year old I had an opportunity to play for a club at a higher level, but I decided not to go to the final training session, and missed out on getting into the team. I bailed out because of some insignificant logistical reasons, and I remember thinking that it wasn't something I wanted to do anyway due to loyalty to my old club.

I am going through a similar thing at the moment where I am starting to interview for two really interesting jobs, neither of which I am yet sure I am perfectly suited for, or if they want me for the job, or if I want to work there. I don't know how it would impact my life and the things I am wanting to do, and the temptation is to pull out now due to the overwhelming uncertainty.

But this time I am going to stay in the process and see where it leads. There is the possibility they will decide I am not quite right for the job, and that I will decide the same. Or it may just be perfect. The only way to find out is to keep showing up.

Wanting to run, but managing to stay

There comes a moment at an event or gathering with a group of people whom I do not know that well where I want to leave. I start to feel some social fatigue, I feel like I am starting to be boring and have nothing to say, and I want to run and get out of there as fast as I can. 

Yesterday and last night I had a number of those moments. I am participating at Purpose conference with a bunch of people who are my tribe, and whom I am still getting to know. After spending the day with them, and eating with them, I began to get that quickening that I wanted out, and I wanted out now. 

Somehow I managed to sit in that feeling instead of running from it, and what unfolded was pretty amazing. I met my brother from another mother in Sydney, a man who could also be the grown up version of my son, and potentially somebody I could work with this year. Sitting in the social unrest for a short period of time led to an fantastic social moment.  

I don't think that every time I get the sense I want to leave that I need to stay. Sometimes my being needs rest, and sometimes the place is not right for me. I am starting to pick up on my own subtleties and nuanced feelings about when it is time to leave, and when it is time to lean in.  

Laundry List Item 11: You have the responsibility to do your best nonetheless.

Thinking about doing my best today on a day when I don't have anything planned or have any particular desires, feels perplexing. I have no plans for the rest of this Saturday. It feels open and a bit scary. I also feel like the day could pass by quickly without me doing anything purposeful at all, let alone my best purposeful.

So I will come up a with a plan as I write this blog post. Step 1 is to meditate and write in my journal. Step 2 is to exercise. Step 3 is to eat something nutritious. Step 4 is to then feel what seems to be the best thing I could do with the rest of my afternoon and evening. 

Let's see how I go.