Remembering names

I have heard all sorts of tricks for remembering names. I think they are good, and I especially use the association technique to help me remember.

For example, if I meet somebody called Emily, I will try to associate them with another Emily that I know, through the way they look or what they are wearing or how I know them.

But this doesn't always work, and I often find myself (like most of us I presume) in an awkward position talking to somebody whom I have met before but can't recall their name. This leads to me avoiding using their name when it would be obvious and polite to do so. Or worse still I avoid talking with them at all because I feel shame that I don't remember.

What I would like to do is scrap this shame and sense of 'should' around remembering names. When I forget somebody's name, I would like to be honest and just apologise and ask them what their name is. 

This might cause a small loss of face for myself, but allow so much more upside in being able to have a genuine conversation with the person.

And if we all did this, there would be no shame, and a lot less avoided conversations.

Is it me or them?

I write an email asking a not-quite-yet friend for some assistance. I wait a week after getting no reply, and wondering if I have written something that offended or annoyed them.

I am at a cocktail party, and somebody who I thought I was pretty friendly with doesn't talk to me for much of the night. I wonder if I they have heard something about me that has put them off me.

In cases like this my immediate reaction is to think that I am the problem; I have done something, said something, thought something that has caused them to not want to respond to me.

What usually happens is that they do end up writing back, even if it is after another prompt from me. They do end up talking with me, even it is at another social occasion. It wasn't actually something I had done - it was actually about them, all that was going on in their world, which has drowned out what I was looking for from them.

As a rule of thumb I would say that in 95% of cases if I get a sense that I have wronged somebody simply because they have not got back to me in a timely manner, it is because of all that they have going on - not about my offensive behaviour.

Therefore it is much more productive to make this assumption, and be right 95% of the time, then the opposite, and be stressed and wrong 95% of the time.

And as for the the 5% when it is me...well, I'm pretty sure I will find out soon enough.

Scratch match

One of my realisations last year was the I loved playing team sport, something I started at the age of 7 and continued non-stop until I was 28. And then had a 10 year break!

I think part of not being able to get back to it for 10 years was due to my belief that if I wasn't playing seriously (ie in a proper competition), then what was the point? And I have discovered the point. The point is fun. Playing scratch matches in the park at lunch time with a bunch of guys I don't know couldn't be more fun.

Getting fit. Meeting new people. Learning new skills. Being outside. Having fun. I think it is a big part of my improved wellbeing over the past 12 months.

Adjusting expectations for increased happiness

I am in the middle of an experiment where I noticed something that is not going according to the way I want it to go, and then I adjust my expectation to expect it to go the way it normally goes and observe the impact.

Observation: I often make faux pas on social occasions. I usually feel pretty embarrassed about these and it wrecks the rest of my night as I expect to be smooth and silky with everyone I meet.

Adjustment: I expect that I will make at least one faux pas each time I am out and about - it is just the way I roll.

Observation: my son is having tantrums every day, and I fight him all the way and expect him to be cruisey and happy all the time.

Adjustment: I expect that each day my son will have a least one melt down. It is a sign that he is growing and working through some bigger kid stuff. 

Initial results are that I seem to be able to roll with social mishaps and tantrums more easily than I previously could.