Threats of violence

Early this week I was threatened in violence. I don't want to say too much about the specifics as although I no longer feel threatened, I certainly do not want to antagonise the situation. 

What I do want to say is that this was the first time I have been threatened directly with violence, and although I only felt under threat for a few hours, it gave me a very small taste of what this must feel like for those who are constantly under the threat, or worse the reality, of violence.

I don't really know if it was bravado or legitimate or drug induced, but there was no mistaking what was said. I did not want to leave the house. I was concerned for my kids.

I have no idea what it must be like for those who constantly live under this reality, but horrible, stifling and oppressive are words that come to mind.

I'm not sure what else to say other than I stand with and for those who are in this kind of reality.

Less hangups

I am noticing that my kids have less hangups than I do. For the time being anyway.

For instance, whether they listen to TripleJ or classical music, they treat take them both on their merits, enjoying them according to their own tastes as opposed to what they are suppose to enjoy or their friends enjoy.

At their age, I wasn't allowed to listed to 'pop' or 'rock' music...it was of the devil. And classical music was of the old people.

I am pleasantly surprised about how minor it is for them to listen to either; to enjoy or not to enjoy according to how they as individuals feel. Long may it last.

After vulnerability

It is a bold step to be vulnerable, to be brave: to share something on Facebook that makes you feel exposed; to share something with a group you have not shared with anybody before; to reveal your faltering feelings to a loved one.

After this has been done a few times, in no longer takes bravery to keep doing it. Especially if the process is to keep going to new groups to be vulnerable for the first time, or to keep posting things on Facebook that put you out there. 

What I am starting to think is that there is something more. Something about committing to a group or a relationship, about continuing to show up even if there is nothing particularly vulnerable or exciting to reveal. Its like there is an initial step of putting yourself out there, and then not going and looking for the next post-vulnerability hit or accolade (or hangover).

I'm sure Brene Brown would have quite a bit to say about this, and I admit my thoughts are raw on this matter. But speaking from my experience I don't have too much trouble showing up and revealing who I am to a group. What I seem to find harder is making a commitment to keep showing up, persisting, just as I am, feeling vulnerable or not.

Leaving me hanging

One of my pet annoyances right now is when people leave me hanging. Its those times when I am trying to organise something with somebody else, they say they will get back to me, and then don't get back to me until right before the time we were scheduled to do something.

This is annoying for obvious reasons - I have put things on hold to do something with them, and if they cancel at the last minute I have often missed the opportunity to do something else.

I'm not quite sure what to do about this yet. It sometimes has its benefits in that a late cancellation can free up time I didn't think I was going to have. But when it involves my kids, and I have set expectations with them about some kind of activity or play date, it becomes hard to explain why we can no longer do that thing.

I think that a one-off occurrence is forgivable. People are doing their best amongst competing agendas. But for repeat offenders I have three options: put up with it; say something about it; or stop organising things with that person.

For the time being I am putting up with it.

Living arrangements

Yesterday I went to inspect some other places to live. I am happy where I live at the moment, and don't think I want to move, but I did want to see what else was out there, particularly for less rent than I am now paying.

What it got me thinking about was, what I am looking for in a place to live anyway? What would be the thing that would get me to move house?

Here are a few things that bubbled up:

• being close to my kids school
• being close to where I am going to do most of my work
• a place with a backyard or very nearby park for the kids
• a place that has a great vibe for working from home
• a place that is close by other people who are aligned with my values and thinking
• being close to my broader family

To summarise, it seems that the key factors are being in and around the community I identify with, and being in a beautiful space, both natural and built.

The place I am in right now has some of those elements. I think the community element could be improved, the cost could be less, and it could be closer to nature. For the time being though, I think it is enough.

Time away from work

There seems to be a myth that tells us if we spend a significant amount time away from work, away from a regular employed job, it will have long-term damaging consequences for our career.

I am here to say that I think the opposite is true. That this is a myth that serves the short-term interests of employers and keeps employees feeling trapped.

I have two experiences in taking career breaks. The first was when I walked away from my IT career for 4 years to pursue the creation of three small businesses. Not only did I have some of the best working experiences of my life during these 4 years, but when I came back to IT at the end of it I ended up being paid more than twice what I was paid before I left.

The second experience is right now, where I have taken 18 months of any type of paid work while I start some of my own ventures. I am about to go back to paid employment next week, and although I am not going to be earning the same kind of wage I was before I took this time off, I come to the job with a totally different perspective to work and know that the value I can offer is more than triple what I could have previously.

You are not stuck. You have options. They do not always seem obvious. They are not always easy. But in the end following your curiosity will be better for you and those you serve than staying where you are and following the rules.

Bias

I watched football with a friend last night. His team was playing. His team has been so good lately that I find myself on the side of whatever team they are playing against.

What was fascinating to observe was the bias he had for his team against the other team. This is not doubt not surprising, but funnily I am actually surprised when I see it played out so starkly. My smart, aware friend had a strong bias, a bias he seems to have chosen and enjoy.

My hypothesis is that this happens in other areas of our lives as well. That we choose to be biased towards or against something, or as Julius Caesar said 'Men (people) willingly believe what they wish'.

If this is true, I think we are doing something that is against our own interest. It will make us feel good for a period of time, like we are right and others are wrong. Like we are on the right track. But reality will eventually take hold.

Better to look at things with eyes open, without bias, trying to perceive reality as it is, no matter what discomfort it brings. Because as we do this we can make decisions based on the way things are, not the way we want them to be.

Sharing the amazing idea you have

I have this idea about writing a book. I think I can do it. It would be about using the crisis moments in life as platforms for dramatic personal growth and change. Specifically it would be about sharing my story of relationship breakdown and how that has been a moment of rebirth.

I write about this because I notice that when I start talking about things, I am more likely to start doing them. I find the opposite is true when it comes to conventional wisdom about ideas. If you choose to protect your idea because you think others my steal it, then it is less likely to become an actual think. Talking with people about it, especially people you trust and who will encourage you, will give your idea life and help it become a reality.

So there it is. A book. The first time I have told anybody. Let's see how long it takes to become a reality.

Alone

I am staggered at how easy it is to feel all alone in this world. I have developed a new network of friends. I have deepened old friendships. I am close to my extended family. I live inner-city. I am on social media. And despite all this there are days when I wonder if I still know anybody.

Those days are more common just after I have parted ways with my two boys. Yesterday was one of them. After a solid week of being with them over the school holidays, the contrast yesterday was tangible. I spent the day not wanting to be with anybody, or talk with anybody. My introvert needed some attention.

I think I am ready to be with people again today. Ready to remember that I am not alone.

Get that one out of the way

The first time I do something I am often surprised at how badly I do it. I'm not sure if this is arrogance or ego. I assume I can be good at things first time round.  

What I have learnt is that the first time is bound to be poor. It isn't about quality. It's about learning.  

For example I took my kids to the snow yesterday. I had no idea the ordeal this would become. But we all learnt so much. We all want to come back one day. And the kids got a taste, feel and smell of something new. 

I'm not busy

I feel a sense of guilt about this: I'm not busy. I have time each day where I wonder what to do next. I am at a stage of waiting for some wheels to turn, for seasons to change, for people to make up their minds, and there is nothing I can actually do to speed up the process. Hence I am not busy. 

Given I am not earning any income at the moment this does cause me some angst. I want to speed this up. I feel impatient. I want to be busy.  

As I notice this I play a thought experiment with myself. If I knew that in three weeks time the things I have been waiting for would materialise, how would that change the way I feel in this moment? 

I think I would enjoy this luxury of not being busy, of having time to spend with those I love, to dabble in musings.

Therefore unless there is an action that makes sense to me right now, that would help bring these things into being, I will make the most and enjoy being unbusy. 

No comparison

I remember growing up thinking that I wanted to do better than others. I wanted to achieve more than my dad did.

Now that I have kids of my own, I realise there is nothing more that I want than for my kids to achieve more than me. And my idea of achievement has shifted so much that it is nothing like what I used to imaging achieving when I was a kid.

Achievement for me now means something more along the lines of the awareness to know myself and listen to myself, awareness of the reality of the context of my existence, the courage to live according to the truth I understand from this awareness, and the skills to put this courage into practise.

There is no competition. We are all on a path that is bound to the path of those around us. We are all here to help each other grow and achieve. I thank my dad for helping me the way he has. I enjoy nothing more than helping my kids on their own path.

A new baseline

I remember in the past achieving a certain level of health or fitness, and then falling away from that, and then achieving it again.

It was like I had a limit that I was aiming for, a reference to a time in my youth where I was at my peak.

What I am finding is that I have learnt so much recently about what is possible for humans, for myself, that I have a new baseline.

There is no looking back any more, referencing what I used to be or how I used to feel. I feel so much better than that now. I am learning how to look after myself and to explore the wonders of existence.

And the more I learn and experience the more I see that there is so much more to explore and learn. There is no more looking back, only taking where I am now as a new baseline and platform for exploring all that I can be.

Extra-cirricular

What if by the time my kids are 25 it is discovered that team sport is a horrible thing put kids through?

This is probably unlikely. However I am going through a process of trying to work out what extra stuff kids do? My kids do swimming lessons (although sometimes they are not too keen), play in a basketball team, and have done some soccer. What are the skills that are most important for them to develop? 

Here are a few categories:

Necessities

• Swimming basics so they can have fun in the water and not drown

Good for coordination

• Martial arts
• Dance
• Gymnastics
• Music lessons
• Team sports?

Good for creativity

• Dance
• Circus
• Music lessons
• Lego?

Good for socialisation / team work

• All of the above?

Not sure that helps me that much. I think my rule of thumb will be, if the kids are into it and it is not add stress and cost to my life I don't want, then they can participate. Otherwise it is a no go.

Casual Sexism

A growing awareness I have is that amount of casual sexism that exists in my language. I am not sure what prompted this, but it has come to my attention with more regularity the number of times I use a masculine word or phrase when it is not particular needed.

I think this kind of unconscious sexism is prevalent in our culture. I posted a picture on Facebook over the weekend of a pedestrian crossing that has a graphic of a walking green women instead of a walking green man. Why is it that all the graphics are men? 

These kinds of changes bring to light how tilted towards the masculine so many things are. It seems to me that there are some fantastic change being made in Australia, like the introduction of women's teams into the AFL and other sporting codes. I am sure there are many more ways that as a society we are unaware of 

Other things I ask myself include: Why are most movies dominated by male characters? Why are the children's books I read to my kids dominated by males, whether they be human or animal?

Hopefully in 20 years time when we look back these kind of things will be a source of embarrassment due to how far we have progressed.

Benefits of missing out

It is morning, and I check my diary for what I have on during the day. There is a 9:30 coffee with Chris, but no location. I email Chris to confirm we are still on, and where we are meeting. Five minutes later he calls me back, apologising as he cannot make it after forgetting to put it in his diary.

I am annoyed. I was looking forward to hanging out with Chris this morning. I don't know him that well, but he seems like an awesome guy. We tentatively make arrangements for the following week. I wonder what I am going to do with my morning.

I drop the kids and school and then drive to my favourite hood - Fitzroy. I drive around the back streets looking for a place just to hang; a cafe that could possibly meet my current weird dietary requirements. I see a face; a familiar face. Rodney! 

The last time I saw him was about 10 years ago, before we both left this city. So much has changed since then. There is nobody in the world I would more like to hang out with right now. Warm, genuine, thoughtful, Rodney.

I park the car, walk to the cafe, and then over to where he is sitting.

'Rodney', I say. We hug.

My dealings with a builder

I am in the process of getting a laundry renovated. To be more accurate, my landlord's have talked with their managing agent to source a builder to renovate my laundry.

This started when one of my laundry doors fell off, and I asked to get it fixed. Three months later somehow this has translated to a laundry renovation.

The renovation is now into its fourth week. It has been frustrating. I have not been contacted by the managing agent. The builder keeps saying one thing and doing another. In trying to do some washing I have managed to cause a minor flood. I am frustrated and annoyed, and am starting to wonder about the role I have played in all this.

A couple of things stand out. The first is that I have become too friendly with the builder rather than keeping a professional relationship. The second is that I have not kept him focused on the job at hand, distracting him with requests for other things that need repairing in the apartment. The third is that I have assumed too much responsibility when it was not mine to assume.

Currently I am just hanging for this to be over, but in the mean time I have some learnings in advance for when I come to renovating my own house.

Creation of memories

Today I will be creating some significant memories for my sons. Of course every day I am creating memories for them, but today will probably stick in their minds during their life.

I thank my dad for reminding me of this. We haven't actually talked about some of the memories the he has left me with, mostly great, some challenging. But having dinner with him last night he reminded me about what I have the ability to leave my boys with at significant moments in their lives.

So as much as I would love a moment like this to be about me and letting them know how I feel, I put that aside and focus on them, and how they feel, and what legacy I am leaving within them.

Leaps in understanding

There are moments when my mind gets opened to a whole new quadrant of possibilities and realities. Its like I am wondering along, everything is normal, and then I stumble across something that makes something go 'pop', and the world is not quite the same any more. It has become richer, deeper and more mysterious.

I had two of these moments yesterday. One was about sexuality, it what was probably the easiest flowing podcast interview I have done, but also the most uncomfortable for me personally. I am still in two minds as to whether to actually release it to the public.

The second was about the nature of our origins, what we are actually here to do. This was an unusual conversation with my personal trainer, and had me both chuckling and speculating about how we actually evolved on this planet, about a higher calling of letting go of all jealousy, hate, control, fear, and embracing love, peace and connection.

Although both are not out of alignment with my values and the direction of exploration I have been pursuing, they took me a leap forward in my thinking to a place where I feel uncomfortable and uncertain. I like this place. My nervousness about being here in this case tells me to keep leaning in.

Begin with the end in mind

In this moment of in-between, I feel there is an opportunity. Some kind of calling. Its like I need to move into uncertainty and murkiness all over again. 

I have created a podcast. I have a breath mint business launching in 3 months. I have pushed myself to get them going, and now they have momentum. I will keep working on them, but they don't need as much from me.

I am wrestling with ideas about speaking, writing a book, consulting to small businesses, coaching, and even going back to full-time work.

I am reminded of Stephen Covey's 2nd of 7 habits: Begin with the end in mind.

What is the end I envisage? When I imagine myself in 10 years time, as a 48 year-old, what do I see?

I see a healthy man, working out of city building. He has a few businesses of his own, and he is actively involved in helping and investing to develop three businesses owned by people. He talks occasionally, writes regularly, and never seems rushed.

With this end in mind, the following make sense:

- a slow build with the podcast where I write a detailed blog post

- focusing on the breath mint business to find a way to earn a livelihood from it

- finding a way to consult to small businesses

- learning about public speaking and coaching

- continue to challenge myself in personal development

Something is still not ringing true as I type this. Something to ponder today.