A constraint thought experiment

What constraints would I choose if I did not have kids?

The anecdote

This post was spawned from a previous post about the constraints I chose after being separated, which I wrote about here. The constraint I chose, and still choose, is to be an involved father.

But what constraint would I choose if I didn't have kids? Perhaps it is a useless thought experiment. Or perhaps it may reveal some important truth or desire within me. Let's see where this leads.

Given where I am, right now, if I did not have kids, and given I do not have a partner, there are not really any constraints that keep me in a specific place. So something around movement is not a constraint I would choose.

Perhaps it might be something about wellbeing. Can a constraint be something I choose to seek? It seems counter-intuitive: that I can be constrained to maintain my wellbeing. Or perhaps the constraint is, I am open to anything as long as it does not compromise my wellbeing.

Or is it something like growth? Is my number one, foundational constraint, to keep growing as a person?

Rather than thinking about the constraint I would choose, another way to look at this might be what I would choose to do right now if I did not have kids. My reflection tells me that I would look to build a strong community with a small group of people who were looking to do some good in the world. I would not be worried about building up wealth and capital. I would be working on a longer-term plan to find these people, connect with them deeply, and form a project that we were all working on together. This would be some kind of land-based project. Like creating an eco-village.

The insight

My insight from this thought experiment is that the long-term aim of my life would not be dramatically different if I did not have kids. The balance of activities definitely would be, as would the speed with which I was heading towards my long-term aim. But what is clear is that my constraint of being an involved father does not restrict me from finding this group of people and starting to build the level of trust and depth I am looking for.

The phase I am in with my family right now means that primarily I need stability - in the home and in finances and in relationships. I have found stability in some of these things and am working towards the others. At the same time, I am working with the groups of people I have found to start creating the projects. I am doing this in a way that does not compromise my stability, a balance I have not historically always gotten right.

The consequences

This has been a useful exercise. It has shown me that some of what I am doing is not so much about being an involved dad, but rather about wanting my kids to see me in a certain light. Like being a good provider.

So given that I am using my kids as an excuse for living in a way I don't necessarily want to live, how can I still be an involved father and also shift my life?

I think that I am on this path. I have recently changed jobs. I am connecting with a group of people. I have started these projects. And even more excitedly, I think these projects are things my boys can get involved with as well. Working side-by-side, like old-school mentoring and wisdom passing.

The mindful wrap-up

So there we go. Not sure I ended up where I expected. Or whether this was about identifying a hypothetical constraint. But I have found a blind spot in some of my decision-making. Where I am more concerned about the perception of my kids than I am about actually being involved with them, and showing them how to live a full, rich, aligned, curious life (see The tyranny of dreams for how my son is also grappling with this).