Alcohol

Improvement through subtraction instead of addition

The anecdote

I had a friend over for dinner. It was only a couple of months since I had started this solo parenting thing, and I was in the mood to have a bit of a chill-out and relax.

We opened a bottle of wine and I enjoyed a glass with my friend. One of my recent work gigs was at a wine company, and one of the benefits of working there was a staff cellar with discounted bottles of wine. I had been stocking up for quite a while. It was a nice drop.

I had a great night. I let off a little steam; shared some laughs, and got to bed at about 10 pm.

The next morning was a struggle. I was far from being hung over - although I was not a heavy drinker, a glass of wine was not enough to tip me over. However, it felt like I had had one of the biggest nights of my life. I had a headache. My body was sore. And because it was a weekend I had the kids to manage by myself for the whole day.

I remember it being one of the longest days of my parenting life. The boys were not particularly painful; just doing the normal thing that 3-year-olds and 5-year-olds do. But in my slightly dehydrated state, it felt like one of the hardest things I had ever done.

That was the day I had an insight. If I was going to give this fatherhood thing my best shot; if I was going to be the mindful dad I wanted to be; then alcohol is something that I would need to give up, even in small quantities, and particularly on the weeks when I had the boys.

The insight

As I have mentioned in previous posts (see post on My Chosen Constraint), the constraint I chose for myself after separating was that I was going to be an involved dad. Every other decision in my life was subservient to this.

So after my painful experience of attempting to parent the day after a glass of wine with a friend, I decided that alcohol was an inhibitor to me becoming an involved dad. Time to give this away.

The consequences

It has not always been easy to stay away from drinking. Two aspects of this have been challenging: dating and social gatherings.

After being quite strict about this in the beginning, I have made some concessions for dating in particular. It seems to allow the awkwardness of the situation to diminish, and I will write about dating in general in another post.

At social gatherings, I have found a few tips to help me through and answer the inevitable open-mouthed questions of, "Oh, you're not drinking?"

No, I say, I am not drinking. I am taking a break from alcohol. And I carry around a wine glass filled with sparkling water. That seems to do the trick, both for me to feel a little less conspicuous, and for people to be a little less inquisitive. Both are tips from a friend of mine who has gone through a program similar to AA.

But on the upside, I wake up each morning I am with my boys, having a clear head and a body full of energy, ready for the day.

The mindful wrap-up

Cutting out alcohol altogether will not be for everyone. For some, it will be a way for them to cope. For me, it has been one small thing that has had a significant impact on my ability to be a single mindful dad.

Sometimes we can ask, what do I need to add to my life in order to improve it? Instead of adding, removing something from our lives can be easier and more effective. Is there something you could remove from your life that might significantly increase your ability to be a mindful parent?