Mental Health
Starting with small movements
The anecdote
I am lying on my bed. I have looked at my clock about 20 times, wanting the night to end. I took a sleeping tablet before I went to bed, which gave me about three hours of sleep. And since then I have been tossing and turning in my bed. I get up, go to the toilet, have a drink of water; I give meditating a go. But nothing seems to calm my racing heartbeat. Nothing seems to be able to help me stop the racing thoughts in my mind. I have never been so anxious.
There were some very dark days during those weeks leading up to separation, and the weeks and months following it. There were nights like this where did not sleep at all; lying awake, wondering what would become of my life; wondering if I could find the strength to go on; wondering if it was worth living any more.
I felt lonely...so lonely. Like I had wasted my whole life, and that there was no hope for me. Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind.
Looking back on this time now it is difficult to remember what I was actually thinking about. But then I remember that I still have moments like this. Not as severe, and not as long lasting. But there are still moments where I feel like I have missed out on all the good opportunities. That I have made all the bad decisions. That there is no hope of a fulfilling life for me.
A lot of this comes from comparing myself with my ex-wife, and the life she is living, and what I interpret this says about me. It comes from remembering some of the things she said about why she wanted to leave. There are still moments, more than six years on, where I wonder if I am doing a good job at the improvisation that is living life.
For me, taking care of my own wellbeing is the most important thing I can do. One of the ways I think about my life is in four concentric circles. At the middle is my wellbeing; the next circle out from that is being a father; the next level out from that is create a home/community; and the final circle is my vocation.
One of the ways I think about these four areas is four things that build upon each other. Wellbeing is at the centre of everything I do. If I am not well, then things fall down.
And when I am well, I can be a great father. And when I am a great father, I have the space to connect with a community and create a home. And from this place of having a great home and community, I can experience libration in my vocation.
Of course it is not as linear as all that. These fours areas constantly interact and feedback on each other. But I find it a useful way to help me prioritise the things that I do.
So wellbeing is at the centre. And this I take care of first. And a big part of my wellbeing is my mental health. When I am taking care of this, I am in a much better position to enable other aspects of my wellbeing, and other aspects of my life.
As I have mentioned in other posts (Start with Sleep), optimising my life for sleep is a keystone habit for me. My day actually starts at dinner time the night before. If I eat well, and then get to bed well, I am well rested and full of nutrition for the next day. When I don't eat well, and don't go to bed well, I am setting my self up for a day of struggle the next day.
But there are some other very important parts of maintaining my mental health, which in terms of ongoing maintenance is just like other forms of health fitness: it is an ongoing process.
Therapy has been an important part of this journey for me. Finding somebody who would listen to me, no matter how I was showing up, and could provide empathy and care and perspective was one of the key elements of being able to get through this time. I was difficult to pluck up the courage to go to a therapist for the first time, but the risk was well worth it. In Australia, of course, we have access to subsidised rates through GPs on a mental health care plan.
Speaking to friends and family has also been a boon for me. I made a decision early on to talk with openness and vulnerability about what I was feeling and going through. I may have gone over the top with this, wallowing in my own victimhood and sorrow for too long, and burning some people out with my grief. However, it also enabled me to allow many of those painful feelings to pass right through me. To process them out-loud. To feel them all. To realise that they pass with time and are not permanent within my body.
For a period of time I was living in close proximity to my parents. This was also super valuable for me, giving me the support I needed, giving the kids some amazing time with their grandparents, and also giving my parents some rare, extended and deep time with my kids. It was a win for everyone, particularly as this was over the lock-down periods of 2020 where we all were able to pool together and support each other. I was also humbling to admit that I needed the help of my parents during this time. I wanted to be the tough, strong, capable and invincible dad. But the truth was I was suffering and struggling and there were moments of desperation where I needed all the help I could get.
The insight
Mental health is, thankfully, becoming a topic that is better understood, having less stigma attached to it, with more help becoming available.
For me, prioritising this, and doing what I needed to do to support my mental health, was one of the reasons I was able to make it through this difficult time.
The consequences
Today my mental health is in pretty good shape. But I am very aware that I need to keep up my practises to ensure this is maintained, and perhaps even improved.
There are some particularly tricky times of the year: the anniversary of my ex-wife moving out; father's day; my birthday. At these times I need to be even more vigilant, and also even more forgiving and gracious with myself when I am blindsided by grief.
The mindful wrap-up
Our mental health is a rhizome of interconnected factors, and it can be difficult to understand how one thing impacts another. Starting with small movements like talking to friends about it can be a liberating first step.
