Legal stuff

Or, the ability to have the calm, rational conversation in the midst of the storm

The anecdote

I remember being in bed. My wife was next to me, even though it had become quite apparent that we would be separating in the near future. I had the laptop open with a spreadsheet. I had listed all of our assets and suggested that we divide them in two. 50% for everything - kids, money, other assets.

Even though we were yet to separate, and I was doing everything I could to prevent this from happening, getting clarity on some of the more logistical matters was one of the most important things I did in that surreally difficult time. It has had implications that are still lingering to this day, and I count it as one of the most level-headed things I have done.

I remember talking to a friend about it, explaining how strange it was to be having conversations about how many days I would have the kids living with me versus their mother. But they are conversations that have to be had.

Very early on in the piece, as soon as it became clear that my wife at the time was quite serious about ending our relationship, I went straight to a lawyer. The first one I went to was not amazing, but it was good to understand my position and to get some factual advice. The second lawyer I went to was better - I checked in with her every few months to update her on where things were. This gave me the confidence to hold my ground on certain matters and to be aware of what to look out for.

In the end, I felt like even this lawyer was trying to get money out of me, but that is a different story.

The key thing for me was about coming to a clear understanding with my wife at the time. And then enacting this. And keeping communication open at all times. This can be especially tricky when it comes to money, as the trust starts to deteriorate and people start second-guessing each other.

Thankfully we were able to stay on pretty good communication terms, able to go through the process of settling our finances and parenting arrangements through our own conversations with a small amount of help through mediation, rather than having to go through court.

The insight

Through all the deep and swelling emotions, it is important to have very practical conversations with a level head. Getting some advice really helps here, as does have a few very close and trusted confidants to draw upon.

For me, it was all about setting a precedent about time spent with the kids right from the beginning. Even though my kids were only 2 and 5, I decided I needed to have them 50% of the time. I believed in what I had to offer as a Father and that, even though it would be super-tough in the beginning (future post on Gap Year to come), I would be worth toughing it out so that I could have 50% of their time living with me, for as long as they wanted this arrangement to continue.

The consequences

The consequences of ensuring open, level-headed communication and setting an early precedent that I wanted to stick with have been huge. Today I still have the kids 50% of the time, with which I am completely happy. The boys obviously need their time with their mum as well. And I need to have my rest.

Open communication has meant that we were able to maintain a level of trust and ability to operate with some coherence through those difficult times, and onwards since then.

The mindful wrap-up

In the most difficult of moments it can be the hardest time to think clearly, but often the most important time to do so. What kinds of things can we do to prepare ourselves for the inevitability of those difficult moments? And when we are in the midst of them, how can we give ourselves the best chance of having good conversations and making good decisions?

For me building a meditation practice has been a part of this. As has learning about things like the thinking environment. And there is not much that can substitute for wise, close friends. I'm interested to hear your reflections as well, so feel free to leave a comment with your own insight.