The mystery of anniversaries
Grief can sneak up on us in unexpected ways
The anecdote
I start to feel a little off. I can't quite put my finger on why. There is nothing in particular that is wrong. No sudden change that I can blame. But I feel quite lonely. I feel a pain in my guts that was not there a little while ago. It kind of feels like I am stuck.
I drive to the shopping centre, and when I get there I don't want to get out of the car. My despair is tangible. A song comes on through Spotify, and I burst into tears. Part of me wonders if it is worth going on. If I can ever feel happy again. I sit in the car, sobbing, allowing the pain the wash over me.
As I am sitting there I remember the date. It is the same week, five years ago, that my ex-wife moved out of the house we were both living in. The sudden onset of pain starts to make sense. This is a regular thing that happens to me around significant anniversaries. And each time it sneaks up on me and then slams my whole body. This is the grief I am still processing.
There are a couple of things I find amazing about grief. The first is that I am I still experiencing it, even though it is eight years since the breakup. I tell myself that I should be over this by now. That I have done enough crying and therapy and inner healing work that I should be over it by now. But the truth is I am not. That the pain still exists. That I am still working through it.
The second amazing thing is the way in which it sneaks up on me; almost tip-toeing its way into my consciousness; often at moments of significance in the calendar; and then envelopes my whole body in sadness. And it can happen in the most inconvenient times. At work. While driving. Often around other people.
I have noticed that it seems to be less intense and shorter in time with each occurrence. I am able to understand and label it as grief with less confusion each time.
And it always subsides. I allow myself to feel it intensely. I talk with people about it. And then it passes through my body. And the grief makes way for other feelings.
The insight
The insight I get from all this is that grief can be something that lasts a long time, can be triggered by any number of external factors, and that it is a process that is difficult to control.
In my case, I allow the grief to surface when it needs to surface. I find people I can reach out to in these moments. And I allow it to pass through so that new things can emerge.
Writing about it also helps. Acknowledging it. Noticing myself saying things like "I should be over this by now" and then loving myself and allowing myself to feel what I need to feel is perhaps most important.
The consequences
When it comes, the grief still hurts and can overwhelm. But in allowing it to pass through me, its intensity and duration have slowly reduced over time.
The mindful wrap-up
A friend of mine suggested one way to mitigate the feelings that these anniversaries bring up might be to create new memories on those key dates. Memories that spark a different reaction in my body, perhaps closer to joy. This is something I am going to put into practice, and I wonder what else you may have found that helps you move through any grief you experience.
