Leaps in understanding

There are moments when my mind gets opened to a whole new quadrant of possibilities and realities. Its like I am wondering along, everything is normal, and then I stumble across something that makes something go 'pop', and the world is not quite the same any more. It has become richer, deeper and more mysterious.

I had two of these moments yesterday. One was about sexuality, it what was probably the easiest flowing podcast interview I have done, but also the most uncomfortable for me personally. I am still in two minds as to whether to actually release it to the public.

The second was about the nature of our origins, what we are actually here to do. This was an unusual conversation with my personal trainer, and had me both chuckling and speculating about how we actually evolved on this planet, about a higher calling of letting go of all jealousy, hate, control, fear, and embracing love, peace and connection.

Although both are not out of alignment with my values and the direction of exploration I have been pursuing, they took me a leap forward in my thinking to a place where I feel uncomfortable and uncertain. I like this place. My nervousness about being here in this case tells me to keep leaning in.

The uncertainty of now

One of the hardest things for me to write about is the uncertainty of looking for a job, which is what I am experiencing right now.

It is hard because in the back of my mind I am wondering 'what if one of those people who I am looking to work with reads this post?'. This then changes what I write about.

So what I am writing is slightly moderated; safe for work as they say.

The matter is pretty simple: I want to earn some income. I don't know the manner in which I am going to do this. It is causing me angst. I am doing all kinds of things to distract myself from the discomfort.

What I want to do is to be able to sit with the discomfort. And that is what writing about this reminds me to do: sit; be; feel; observe. See where it leads. Observe where it has come from.

The truth is anything can happen. Things change quickly. I have faith.

Days of wondering and wandering

It is a lightness and weightlessness in my chest. A feeling of vulnerability; a feeling that I am not sure what to do next.

It has been great to stop what I am doing, to take stock and allow new ideas to bubble up. Days like today though are difficult. Like I am waiting for something new to happen which I cannot do any more to progress right now.

And more than anything it is the feeling of being unplugged from a network I was once so easily part of. I am in the early stages of creating new networks and finding a new tribe, and in the mean time there are long periods where I am by myself and thinking of ways to make my life work for me given the new constraints and context I find myself in. 

When I had a partner I always had somebody to talk with and bounce ideas off. I am struggling to find an alternative for this, and it sometimes means sitting wondering what to do and who I could talk with. Friends have been great for this, but it is not the same. I don't have somebody I call everyday - it just does not seem the way of my guy friends. The girl friends I have found seem to make this easier, but there are complications with girls that I am not quite ready to confront, and I am certainly not yet ready for anything resembling a relationship.

So in the interim I will write, and sit with the discomfort, and remind myself that one day I will have others who will sit with me and allow me the space and time I need with my discomfort.