It is a lightness and weightlessness in my chest. A feeling of vulnerability; a feeling that I am not sure what to do next.
It has been great to stop what I am doing, to take stock and allow new ideas to bubble up. Days like today though are difficult. Like I am waiting for something new to happen which I cannot do any more to progress right now.
And more than anything it is the feeling of being unplugged from a network I was once so easily part of. I am in the early stages of creating new networks and finding a new tribe, and in the mean time there are long periods where I am by myself and thinking of ways to make my life work for me given the new constraints and context I find myself in.
When I had a partner I always had somebody to talk with and bounce ideas off. I am struggling to find an alternative for this, and it sometimes means sitting wondering what to do and who I could talk with. Friends have been great for this, but it is not the same. I don't have somebody I call everyday - it just does not seem the way of my guy friends. The girl friends I have found seem to make this easier, but there are complications with girls that I am not quite ready to confront, and I am certainly not yet ready for anything resembling a relationship.
So in the interim I will write, and sit with the discomfort, and remind myself that one day I will have others who will sit with me and allow me the space and time I need with my discomfort.