The moment after loss

I tell myself that this is going to open up space for something else. But still, in this moment, it is all to easy to wonder and worry about where my income is going to come from.

I tell myself that I have got through downs like this in the past, and survived, and even thrived. But in this moment, it seems second nature to think that this is the way I am always going to feel from now on.

I tell myself that it was not really about me, that it was circumstance and timing. But my critical minds wants to get its two cents in and tell me that I could have done more, been more, tried harder.

If there is one thing the past two and half years have not been, its dull. I reflect on this time, and draw strength from what I am capable of absorbing, standing up to, getting back up from. I am strong and can handle so much more than I thought.

So today, despite the nagging voices from the dark places, I choose to go on, to enter the confusion and uncertainty, and to create and make as well as I know how.

 

Leaps in understanding

There are moments when my mind gets opened to a whole new quadrant of possibilities and realities. Its like I am wondering along, everything is normal, and then I stumble across something that makes something go 'pop', and the world is not quite the same any more. It has become richer, deeper and more mysterious.

I had two of these moments yesterday. One was about sexuality, it what was probably the easiest flowing podcast interview I have done, but also the most uncomfortable for me personally. I am still in two minds as to whether to actually release it to the public.

The second was about the nature of our origins, what we are actually here to do. This was an unusual conversation with my personal trainer, and had me both chuckling and speculating about how we actually evolved on this planet, about a higher calling of letting go of all jealousy, hate, control, fear, and embracing love, peace and connection.

Although both are not out of alignment with my values and the direction of exploration I have been pursuing, they took me a leap forward in my thinking to a place where I feel uncomfortable and uncertain. I like this place. My nervousness about being here in this case tells me to keep leaning in.

The uncertainty of now

One of the hardest things for me to write about is the uncertainty of looking for a job, which is what I am experiencing right now.

It is hard because in the back of my mind I am wondering 'what if one of those people who I am looking to work with reads this post?'. This then changes what I write about.

So what I am writing is slightly moderated; safe for work as they say.

The matter is pretty simple: I want to earn some income. I don't know the manner in which I am going to do this. It is causing me angst. I am doing all kinds of things to distract myself from the discomfort.

What I want to do is to be able to sit with the discomfort. And that is what writing about this reminds me to do: sit; be; feel; observe. See where it leads. Observe where it has come from.

The truth is anything can happen. Things change quickly. I have faith.

Writing Fling #6: Am I able?

A timely piece from last year when I was travelling in Chicago. Timely as I am currently having a moment of wondering if I can do it, and it is encouraging to remember that I knew I would hit these kind of moments.

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Am I able to pull it off? To allow myself to be all I can be? To remove the limits? To plunge the depths and live according to what I find there?

The truth is, I think I can. I am on a path now and I need to keep on it. The project as started, and there is no compromise. There is something deep within me that wants expression. That needs to be realised, to be lived. I trust this impulse. I listen to this impulse. It is drawing me, calling me on. To go harder. Not to try harder, but to listen harder, to act more authentically. To stop and pause and wait and watch and wonder. To believe that what is in there is good and worthy. That its manifestation will be beneficial to all beings, including myself.

This is a moment by moment proposition. Of being curious. Of laughing. Of trying and failing and learning and trying again. Sometimes this will be hard. I will feel unworthy. Like I should know better. Like my experience is not good enough. Like I should have prepared more.

I will want to plan things. Line things up. Put a filter on my reality, seeing it as I want it to be rather than how it is. Or wishing it was something other than what it is.

Take this city, Chicago and my experience of it as an example. I don't seem to get this city yet. I am not in sync with it. I want it to be like my San Francisco experience, where I found an awesome neighbourhood to walk around. I am searching for that place, that feeling. I want to be able to tell that story to my friends. Perhaps Chicago is not like that. Perhaps it has something else to offer. And I think I am missing it because I wish it was something else. It may have something beautiful for me if I am willing to see it as it is.

That is my aim, intention, for today. To be aware of this city. To hear, smell, feel, taste and see it as it is. To understand its energy, its vibe, and what it has for me.

Not starting for fear of nothing

I am in the middle of writing the show notes for the first eight episodes of my podcast. I am experiencing a good amount of flow in doing this, having completed 5 of the 8 episodes inside three days, and am on track to launch next week.

I have noticed something happen to me in the pause between my writing, when I have completed the show notes for one episode and am having a break before I start the next. There is a real sense of doubt that I can repeat the effort of writing the notes for another show. I feel like I may well have extinguished all ability to coherently write, as if there is a finite reserve of words inside my head, and the previous effort was all I had left to give.

This uncertainty and fear prevents me from even starting to write. I don't want to commit to starting just to find out that there are no words left to flow through my pen. What would I do? How would I cope with this catastrophic scenario?

I recently completed a thirty day challenge to write non-stop for 15 minutes each day, without worrying about the coherence or punctuation or profoundness of what I was writing. To write whatever it was the flowed through my consciousness. The freedom this exercise gave me is something that has extended beyond writing. The thing I learnt was that I have had a belief that it is only acceptable to take something from my head and put it into the world if I knew it was going to be perfect. The truth is that it will never be perfect the first time, and it can never be understood and refined until it is in a tangible rather than intellectual form.

This thinking has held me back in so many areas - creating art, learning new skills, starting businesses, meeting new people. Time to allow whatever it is inside me to flow, and only then to try and understand what it is I am creating.

Days of wondering and wandering

It is a lightness and weightlessness in my chest. A feeling of vulnerability; a feeling that I am not sure what to do next.

It has been great to stop what I am doing, to take stock and allow new ideas to bubble up. Days like today though are difficult. Like I am waiting for something new to happen which I cannot do any more to progress right now.

And more than anything it is the feeling of being unplugged from a network I was once so easily part of. I am in the early stages of creating new networks and finding a new tribe, and in the mean time there are long periods where I am by myself and thinking of ways to make my life work for me given the new constraints and context I find myself in. 

When I had a partner I always had somebody to talk with and bounce ideas off. I am struggling to find an alternative for this, and it sometimes means sitting wondering what to do and who I could talk with. Friends have been great for this, but it is not the same. I don't have somebody I call everyday - it just does not seem the way of my guy friends. The girl friends I have found seem to make this easier, but there are complications with girls that I am not quite ready to confront, and I am certainly not yet ready for anything resembling a relationship.

So in the interim I will write, and sit with the discomfort, and remind myself that one day I will have others who will sit with me and allow me the space and time I need with my discomfort.

Wanting to run, but managing to stay

There comes a moment at an event or gathering with a group of people whom I do not know that well where I want to leave. I start to feel some social fatigue, I feel like I am starting to be boring and have nothing to say, and I want to run and get out of there as fast as I can. 

Yesterday and last night I had a number of those moments. I am participating at Purpose conference with a bunch of people who are my tribe, and whom I am still getting to know. After spending the day with them, and eating with them, I began to get that quickening that I wanted out, and I wanted out now. 

Somehow I managed to sit in that feeling instead of running from it, and what unfolded was pretty amazing. I met my brother from another mother in Sydney, a man who could also be the grown up version of my son, and potentially somebody I could work with this year. Sitting in the social unrest for a short period of time led to an fantastic social moment.  

I don't think that every time I get the sense I want to leave that I need to stay. Sometimes my being needs rest, and sometimes the place is not right for me. I am starting to pick up on my own subtleties and nuanced feelings about when it is time to leave, and when it is time to lean in.  

Opposition bringing clarity to values

There is a conversation I know I need to have today, and I am not looking forward to having it. I am trying to get a product made, and I want the product to be excellent. But I feel stuck because I seem to have only found one person who can make it for me, and I don't like how they plan to make it.

I went to an event this week about businesses and culture, and one of the points made was that of the three wheels on the tricycle that move a business, one of those wheels has to be the lead wheel. They suggested the wheels were Operations, Customer, and Product. You need to be proficient at all three, but you also need to choose one to lead with.

Something I have realised through this exercise of problem solving how to make this product and start this business, is that I am making a business that leads with 'Product'. I want the product to be delightful, for each part of it to be thought through and mindfully designed, and that is something I am very unwilling to compromise on.

So it seems that through the discomfort of problem solving my way through getting this product made, I have come to understand one of my core values. For that I am grateful.