Wanting to run, but managing to stay

There comes a moment at an event or gathering with a group of people whom I do not know that well where I want to leave. I start to feel some social fatigue, I feel like I am starting to be boring and have nothing to say, and I want to run and get out of there as fast as I can. 

Yesterday and last night I had a number of those moments. I am participating at Purpose conference with a bunch of people who are my tribe, and whom I am still getting to know. After spending the day with them, and eating with them, I began to get that quickening that I wanted out, and I wanted out now. 

Somehow I managed to sit in that feeling instead of running from it, and what unfolded was pretty amazing. I met my brother from another mother in Sydney, a man who could also be the grown up version of my son, and potentially somebody I could work with this year. Sitting in the social unrest for a short period of time led to an fantastic social moment.  

I don't think that every time I get the sense I want to leave that I need to stay. Sometimes my being needs rest, and sometimes the place is not right for me. I am starting to pick up on my own subtleties and nuanced feelings about when it is time to leave, and when it is time to lean in.  

In the end, its only me that knows what I need

Yesterday I crashed. After dropping the kids at school I lay in bed for more than an hour. Somehow I managed to get out of the house and drove to meet a colleague. This gave me a bit of a spurt of energy to get through the rest of the day, before going to bed at 9:00 and sleeping through to 7:00.

I think my body is telling me that it needs to feel some things, and I need to take excellent care of it so it can feel what it needs to feel. Many of these feelings are about processing what happened this time last year.

I think that is going to mean plenty of sleep, dropping the coffee, gentle exercise, and being sensitive to what my body is saying. Part of me feels guilty about this, like I need to be doing, and producing, and getting closer to making money again. However noticing how I feel today, in a much more relaxed and present state of mind, I realise that I must follow my own path. At the moment this does not look like much from the outside. But it is what I need.