Let's pretend

Last night I made a decision. The decision was to live as if I felt amazing. As if I was feeling like I had all I wanted right now in this moment. To live the way I would live if all those things that have been playing on my mind did not matter.

I know the effects of this decision are currently very early on in their life, but I think there is something in it. I want to see if I can sustain it, and come back to it when I stop doing this.

And this is how I want to live:

• I want to get up at 5am each morning, meditate, read a book, move, shower, have breakfast, write a blog post, all before 7:30.
• I then want to work during the morning on creativity-intensive, solo activities, like editing podcasts, writing, planning
• At lunch I want to exercise
• After lunch I want to spend my time on more socially oriented work activities, or reading books.
• At night I want to eat with other people, and potentially socialise with friends or family
• I want to be in bed before 9pm so I can get 8 hours sleep and be up at 5am.

There are some things missing from my life. But really they amount to this: I am not getting a steady income. This is partly my choice because I have been on a gap year. But while I am waiting for this to happen, I don't want to idly wait. I will live the way I would want to be living if that income was actually appearing in my bank account.

Laundry List #19: Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (Yes, you too, and most certainly myself)

And so, it is not astonishing that, though the patient enters therapy insisting that he wants to change, more often than not, what he really wants is to remain the same and to get the therapist to make him feel better. -- Sheldon Kopp
 

I love the text in brackets in this cutting laundry list item from Sheldon Kopp. As I start to read it I find myself nodding and thinking 'Yes, so true, I know so many people that lie and cheat and pretend', and then I keep reading and have to face the sinking reality that this also applies to me.

And this didn't just happen the first time I read it. It happens every time I read it. I don't want to admit that I lie, cheat and pretend. Aren't I better than that? That is for the less enlightened, not me. But the truth is that I do. I want to present myself in the best possible light and will sometimes pretend to be that which is not me. I make lies of omission so that the truth as it is presented makes me seem a bit more appealing than I actually am. I cut corners in my morning rituals, hoping that nobody will notice.

I certainly don't do these things in an obviously destructive way, and all in all I think I am an ethical person, somebody who is honest and open and believes that their are not shortcuts. In fact lying is necessary in many cases - it can be social grease and a developmental stage that children need to reach. 

What then is the purpose of acknowledge this? That we all lie, cheat and pretend?

Firstly I think it is so we are not deluded and naive that others present themselves exactly as they are all the time. That they do lie about things sometimes. That they do try and cheat the system. That they pretend to have done things they have not. Being aware that people do this from time to time actually helps as we interact with others, and can stop us from being duped and hurt.

Secondly acknowledging that I also do this helps to keep me humble, and to keep me working on understanding the reasons why I think that even a small deception is necessary. What does that reveal about what is going on inside me? What am I hiding, and who am I hiding it from?

Noticing the small lies, cheats, and pretends helps me to get closer to becoming aware and awake to how, where, and what I actually am.