One of my goals in writing this blog is to be as authentic as I know how to be in writing it each day so that I can explore my own emotions and experiences, and provide an integrated picture of myself to whoever happens to read this.
Today that means writing about the awkwardness of putting on a party for yourself, and not having as many people show up as you would like.
For me that felt like shame and sadness, and feeling like I had tried and failed. In a way I had, but in a way I hadn't either - the people that were there were awesome and had a great time. And I put a party on for myself, something I am sure I will feel brave about doing in due time.
The thing I am trying to acknowledge and be curious about is the range of emotions that were stirred in doing this party, to grapple with them, and to allow them to change who I am.
I don't feel particularly successful in doing this at the moment. I am trying to lean in, and see what comes of it.