When I want to speak, and I don't

I enjoy being on stage. I enjoy giving a speech, singing a song in front of people, telling a story. There comes a moment just before showing up for that moment when I need to make a decision as to whether I will express myself, or hide myself.

Last night I had a small birthday gathering. All in all, I found it a difficult experience. Quite a few people didn't come, I felt awkward putting on a birthday gathering for myself, and the vibe was a little strange.

'Happy Birthday' broke out spontaneously at one point, without me even bringing out the cake or lighting a candle. There was a half-hearted call for a speech, and part of me longed to express my gratitude to my friends who had been such a great support to me over the past 12 months. But I baulked, and decided against it, opting to get the cake out of the fridge instead of bearing my soul.

I'm disappointed in myself for doing this. I felt like I didn't really show up last night - I was nervous, and not a fun host.

I guess it was a step. I don't think I will have a birthday next year. I long for an opportunity to be on stage again. I have stumbled, and I am looking around to see if I can find a way back up.