For me, they boil down to this

When I think about intimate relationships, for me the crux of it all boils down to this:

1) Am I willing to allow the other person to be exactly as they are, to accept and love them for their whole person, over the course of this relationship?

2) Am I willing to explore and express my whole person, to be true to myself over the course of this relationship?

3) Am I fully accepted and loved by the other person as I reveal more of who I am over the course of this relationship?

In the early days of a relationship it is very easy to naively say 'Yes' to these three questions. And it doesn't matter if the relationship started in your 20s, or 70s, or whether it is your 1st of 10th. It is always the same feeling of elation and optimism, and perhaps without it no relationship would ever start.

As time rolls on there will inevitably come more than one moment when your partner shows you part of who they are, and you don't like it. In fact you are repulsed by it. And correspondingly there will come a moment when you want to reveal part of who you are, and there is a risk that your partner will not accept it because it is not who they think you are or want you to be.

For me that is the true test of a relationship: that moment of seeing and accepting the other, and seeing and revealing ourselves.

When I want to speak, and I don't

I enjoy being on stage. I enjoy giving a speech, singing a song in front of people, telling a story. There comes a moment just before showing up for that moment when I need to make a decision as to whether I will express myself, or hide myself.

Last night I had a small birthday gathering. All in all, I found it a difficult experience. Quite a few people didn't come, I felt awkward putting on a birthday gathering for myself, and the vibe was a little strange.

'Happy Birthday' broke out spontaneously at one point, without me even bringing out the cake or lighting a candle. There was a half-hearted call for a speech, and part of me longed to express my gratitude to my friends who had been such a great support to me over the past 12 months. But I baulked, and decided against it, opting to get the cake out of the fridge instead of bearing my soul.

I'm disappointed in myself for doing this. I felt like I didn't really show up last night - I was nervous, and not a fun host.

I guess it was a step. I don't think I will have a birthday next year. I long for an opportunity to be on stage again. I have stumbled, and I am looking around to see if I can find a way back up.

Laundry List, Item 4: We are already dying, and we'll be dead a long time

There is a song that my friend introduced me to a few weeks ago called 'Say' by John Mayer. The song is about saying the thing you need to say, and it being better to say too much than to say nothing at all.

The song speaks to me of honest expression, something I have struggled with most of my life. I often feel like my thoughts are dangerous, and that if I express them people will run from me. I am slowly understanding that allowing ideas and thoughts to flow through me and out of my mouth in an honest way helps to build authentic connection with others, normalising the reality of living for myself and those I talk with.

This is the moment to do the thing I think I need to do. This is of course after giving it some consideration; its not about being reckless. But once I know that something needs to be done, something needs to be said, to say it. If it is not said, then it creates a tension in my body where that feeling is held, and the relationship with the person I need to talk with stalls. I am stopping the next thing from unfolding in a timely manner.

We will be dead a long time, and we have a limited number of moments. Each moment is important. There are no ordinary moments. There is no need to save something for a later moment, because it will have its own awe when it arrives.

I commit to summoning the courage to say the things I need to say in the moment they need to be said.