When I want to speak, and I don't

I enjoy being on stage. I enjoy giving a speech, singing a song in front of people, telling a story. There comes a moment just before showing up for that moment when I need to make a decision as to whether I will express myself, or hide myself.

Last night I had a small birthday gathering. All in all, I found it a difficult experience. Quite a few people didn't come, I felt awkward putting on a birthday gathering for myself, and the vibe was a little strange.

'Happy Birthday' broke out spontaneously at one point, without me even bringing out the cake or lighting a candle. There was a half-hearted call for a speech, and part of me longed to express my gratitude to my friends who had been such a great support to me over the past 12 months. But I baulked, and decided against it, opting to get the cake out of the fridge instead of bearing my soul.

I'm disappointed in myself for doing this. I felt like I didn't really show up last night - I was nervous, and not a fun host.

I guess it was a step. I don't think I will have a birthday next year. I long for an opportunity to be on stage again. I have stumbled, and I am looking around to see if I can find a way back up.

Finally I am enjoying my birthdays

It has taken me more than 30 of them, but I am starting to enjoy my birthdays.

Perhaps that is not entirely true. When I was young I do remember enjoying birthdays, so it seems there is a gulf there between the ages of 21 and 36, where I stopped living in the moment and enjoying what I had, reflecting with joy on what I had lived during the past 12 months, and looked forward with excitement to the next 12 months.

Birthdays during this period were a time of regret for me. A time or remember that I am stuck, that I don't have anything exciting to look forward to for the next 12 months. Of envying those younger than me, and thinking that I was old and had missed my chance.

Right at this moment, I love the age I am. I am grateful for what I have lived, the scars I have earned and the pain I have worked through. I don't envy those who are younger than me. I actually feel for them, the living they still need to do in order to achieve a higher level of awareness. 

And I am looking forward to the next 12 months. The previous 12 months have been profoundly shaping and altering of my course. I understand for the first time how a period of time can be the best of times and the worst of times.