Scratch match

One of my realisations last year was the I loved playing team sport, something I started at the age of 7 and continued non-stop until I was 28. And then had a 10 year break!

I think part of not being able to get back to it for 10 years was due to my belief that if I wasn't playing seriously (ie in a proper competition), then what was the point? And I have discovered the point. The point is fun. Playing scratch matches in the park at lunch time with a bunch of guys I don't know couldn't be more fun.

Getting fit. Meeting new people. Learning new skills. Being outside. Having fun. I think it is a big part of my improved wellbeing over the past 12 months.

Writing Fling #6: Am I able?

A timely piece from last year when I was travelling in Chicago. Timely as I am currently having a moment of wondering if I can do it, and it is encouraging to remember that I knew I would hit these kind of moments.

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Am I able to pull it off? To allow myself to be all I can be? To remove the limits? To plunge the depths and live according to what I find there?

The truth is, I think I can. I am on a path now and I need to keep on it. The project as started, and there is no compromise. There is something deep within me that wants expression. That needs to be realised, to be lived. I trust this impulse. I listen to this impulse. It is drawing me, calling me on. To go harder. Not to try harder, but to listen harder, to act more authentically. To stop and pause and wait and watch and wonder. To believe that what is in there is good and worthy. That its manifestation will be beneficial to all beings, including myself.

This is a moment by moment proposition. Of being curious. Of laughing. Of trying and failing and learning and trying again. Sometimes this will be hard. I will feel unworthy. Like I should know better. Like my experience is not good enough. Like I should have prepared more.

I will want to plan things. Line things up. Put a filter on my reality, seeing it as I want it to be rather than how it is. Or wishing it was something other than what it is.

Take this city, Chicago and my experience of it as an example. I don't seem to get this city yet. I am not in sync with it. I want it to be like my San Francisco experience, where I found an awesome neighbourhood to walk around. I am searching for that place, that feeling. I want to be able to tell that story to my friends. Perhaps Chicago is not like that. Perhaps it has something else to offer. And I think I am missing it because I wish it was something else. It may have something beautiful for me if I am willing to see it as it is.

That is my aim, intention, for today. To be aware of this city. To hear, smell, feel, taste and see it as it is. To understand its energy, its vibe, and what it has for me.

Writing Fling #5: Essence of coffee; diluted by tears

Fifth instalment in a writing experiment from 2015.

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I cry. Into my coffee cup. Almost empty now. Cafe almost empty now. I sit. Alone. Almost depleted now. Almost exhausted now.

Essence of coffee; diluted by tears.

Bitter. Invigorating. Annoying and artificial in its invigoration. Temporary relief. Temporary mask of feelings. Tears bring reality. Tears bring their own relief. Natural relief. Healing relief.

Moving into and towards the pain, uncertainty and fear. Moving there because of it. Because of what it is showing, indicating, highlighting. It is saying, 'This is the thing to explore. Don't mask it. Don't deny it. Sit with. Feel. Feel. Feel. Explore. Understand.'

It may take years, and then the smallest sentence in the smallest conversation may unlock the truth. The truth you have allowed yourself to explore more each day through going through the pain.

Head bowed. Hands on forehead. It is time to go. 

Essence of coffee; diluted by tears.

I drink it. Salty and bitter. Coffee should not be sweet, should not be easy to drink. Tears should not be sweet, easy to cry.

I pick up the newspaper, pay for my stay, and head out onto the street. It is cold, and raining, as a cliche would anticipate.

I put my cap on. Not sure what to do next I walk to the left. Slowly, without purpose.

I find a seat near a grassy reserve. The sun is coming out and the rain is stopping. I lower my hat over my eyes and turn my face to the warming sun. It feels nourishing. I may end up being okay. I may live again. I may love again. 

I feel wet from the rain and warm from the sun. I still have a legacy. My experience will not leave me. It will be transformed over time. Renewed. Reinterpreted.

Adjusting expectations for increased happiness

I am in the middle of an experiment where I noticed something that is not going according to the way I want it to go, and then I adjust my expectation to expect it to go the way it normally goes and observe the impact.

Observation: I often make faux pas on social occasions. I usually feel pretty embarrassed about these and it wrecks the rest of my night as I expect to be smooth and silky with everyone I meet.

Adjustment: I expect that I will make at least one faux pas each time I am out and about - it is just the way I roll.

Observation: my son is having tantrums every day, and I fight him all the way and expect him to be cruisey and happy all the time.

Adjustment: I expect that each day my son will have a least one melt down. It is a sign that he is growing and working through some bigger kid stuff. 

Initial results are that I seem to be able to roll with social mishaps and tantrums more easily than I previously could.

Hacking procrastination

I love Jason Fox's suggestion for making the most of our tendency to procrastinate. He suggests that we set up the area around our workspace with two or three other activities we want to get done. Then, when we find ourself wanting to be distracted from the main thing we are doing, we can distract ourselves with the second most important task, or the third most.

I think in general procrastination can be an escape from staying in a moment of uncertainty or difficulty on an important piece of work, and therefore is something to notice and then lean into.

However, for those times when we actually can't help but be distracted and procrastinate, Jason's idea is a great way to ensure we are distracted in an effective way.

I have given this a go by leaving a soccer ball lying around where I work. Juggling a soccer ball is always something I have wanted to do, and whenever I need a break I start practising my juggling.

This has the added benefit of getting me off my seat, getting my body moving, and because of the nature of juggling a soccer ball, it actually improves my ability to think creatively.

Alternate worlds, just around the corner

When we are in a routine it can become efficient in getting things done. It is also efficient in blinding us to other worlds that are on our doorstep.

There is no need to travel overseas to become aware of and observe new cultures. A simple change in routine can uncover the secret worlds of those around us.

For example, taking a break from your normal work day and driving or walking around an unfamiliar area to see what other people do while you are at your desk. For me I discovered how many people hang out in cafes during the day, and the number of professional sporting teams that practise out in the open for all to see.

Or waking up really early to see the pre-dawn worlds of many. I discovered that the streets are filled with cyclists at 5am, and that so many people are out walking their dogs.

These may seem like inconsequential learnings, but they disrupt the pattern in our brains and create the opportunity for new, creative, innovative thinking to occur, and for new meetings to happen.

There are many ways to break a routine, and here are few more suggestions requiring minimal financial and time investment:

• walking or driving a different way home
• reading a book from a genre you typically avoid
• arriving at a destination much earlier than usual
• going to a meetup with a group of people you know nothing about

If you have other ideas of simple ways to uncover new worlds, let us know in the comments.

Somedays work is work

Even though I am now on the path I want to be on, and have a sense of purpose in my everyday activity, there are still days when work is work. When there are tasks that just have to be churned through without too much thinking, without feeling inspired and alive.

Today is that day for me. In fact it is this whole week. I need to edit and prepare podcasts for publishing. I need to open bank accounts. I need to do paper work.

Knowing that I am doing it for a good reason, and doing it for my own purposes, makes this type of work bearable, even though it is mundane.

Sacred mundane.

Mindful problem creation

I am reading Antifragile at the moment by Nassim Nicholas Taleb.

The book is about systems that actually become stronger through adversity and stress. They thrive and grow from it - the opposite of being fragile (and not to be mistaken with being robust or resilient).

In taking a year off during a difficult period of my life, this is one of the things I have learnt. That through difficultly I actually become better and stronger. There is a lot of common wisdom around this, and we hear it in phrases such as 'necessity is the mother of all invention' and 'when life gives you a lemon make lemonade'.

I am so grateful for having been placed in a situation of stress and difficulty, because it woke me up. I was comfortable and safe in my life, my job, my salary. I knew that something was not quite right, but I was not going to do anything about it until I was forced to confront it.

In taking a year off and being forced to be with myself, I managed to find my purpose and the corrections I needed to make.

Which makes me think about how I can practise putting myself into difficultly so that I force myself to grow. As an old manager of mine use to say, create a problem for yourself so that you extend yourself to find a solution.

I recently did this by publishing my podcast before I had all of my ducks in a row for launching. In launching before I was ready, I stopped myself from procrastinating any longer, and had to quickly find ways of learning all the things I needed to do.

I call it mindful problem creation.

Grounding after elation

This past weekend was all about launching my podcast. I have tweeted, posted and shared more than I ever have, and have got some great feedback. I have been on a high - partly because it is something I have been working on for about 6 months and it is so satisfying to see it materialise. And partly because I am getting some pats on the back and encouragement for my efforts.

Today though I have felt the need to allow myself to come down from this emotional high. A moment to stop and watch a film and not do too much work.

I have not been very successful. I am obsessed with checking download stats and wanting people to share my stuff. Then I remembered my friend talking about Zen habits, and this article.

I want to remember why I am doing this podcast. It is not for adulation. It is not for success. It is because I wanted to meet people who were doing really cool, purposeful stuff; I wanted to tell their stories; and I wanted a community of people to be encouraged by their stories.

So that is what I focus on. Helping people by hearing and sharing their stories.

I've started; I am now a Podcaster

It has been accepted. My podcast Subtle Disruptors in now officially in the iTunes directory! This happened much faster than I anticipated, and now I am scrambling to execute a launch plan.

I'm feeling happy and excited and nervous - what will people think! 

Its great that is it out there. I know it is not perfect, but it is progress, and I can start to refine from here.

Theory of constraints

Through a series of decisions, some made by me and some made for me, I am coming to a clearer realisation that the work I am doing at the moment needs to be within an arrangement where I am equal, or I am working for myself.

Work in general employment is not going to cut it for now (a decision that was made for me). And I need to go at it alone with my podcast instead of joining a podcast network (a decision I have made for myself).

There is something about not being restricted in my curiosity and creativity that I am holding very dear right now. Nor do I want to be restricted in what I do with my time.

I understand that sometimes these constraints are useful in getting work done, even creative work. Right now the work I need to do, as unclear as it may be, needs to come with constraints that are not imposed upon me by others.

The trend of following the trend

I totally get sucked into the latest trend in productivity methods. From Trello, to Pomodoro, even Day Runner. 

Looking back on my history with each approach only one thing is clear - I make good use of an approach for a period of time, and then I move onto something else.

The last six months I was all over Trello, using it every day for managing my tasks and ensuring I was only working on one thing at a time.

Right now I have in front of my desk, written on an A4 piece of paper, my mission critical projects for the quarter, some sub-projects outlined for the month, and then activities from those sub-projects that I am going to do this week.

And I am loving this lofi, pen and paper method. But I am sure that in a few months' time I will be well and truely obsessed by something else, which will be just that little bit better at helping me get the right shit done.

Dealing when the bad news comes

I may need to wait a few days before publishing this post. I think I need to edit and reread it after I have calmed down a bit. For the minute though I need to write down how I am feeling to help process what is going on.

I have been going through a job interview process, one that started about three months ago, and which today I was informed that my application had not proceeded to the final short list of 3.

An hour after finding out about this I still feel very disappointed. There is definitely a lot of ego tied up in this - I thought I was good enough to do this job, and if there was anybody going to be saying no it was going to be me saying it. 

There is also a sense of wanting to be wanted. This is my first interview process since finishing my gap year, and I have a nagging sense somewhere deep down that I don't have anything of value to offer, or that if I do I want be able to find the place where this can be expressed. Going for a job I thought I should get, and then being told that I am not even in the top three, adds fodder for that nagging sense to make use of.

The drawn-out timeframe and quality of the interview process also adds to my frustration. Communication has been relatively sparse throughout the process, and the actually interviews themselves have left a bit to be desired. For a business that is lean and nimble and all about innovation and new ways of working, the interview process was from a bygone era. I would have expected more of a discussion based, rather than formal/panel based, interview process. One where I was asked to do some homework and present back some findings. I don't mind being put on the spot, but for the type of job they were looking to fill, I was expecting a different approach.

(Okay that last paragraph is me being perhaps justifiably pissed with them, perhaps exaggerating through being angry in this moment. Either way there isn't anything I can do about this. That is their stuff to improve and something for the person who gets the job to deal with. Let me see if I can actually get to what is going on within me...)

The crazy thing is that I actually know that I would not have accepted the job had I been offered it. They have made the correct decision about me despite the clumsiness of it. I am not exactly sure what it is, but there was something inside me that sunk whenever I thought about working there. This is despite it being a great business filled with purposeful people.

I think it is because I know that deep down I want to build my own business, not somebody else's. I have built other people's dreams before, and I don't think doing this again is going to offer me sufficient challenge or satisfaction. Nor would the logistics of that job work for me - it needed a 2-4 year commitment, whereas I don't really know what position I will be in in 12 months. 

In continuing through the interview process despite my sense that the job was not right for me, what I was actually looking for was reassurance that I was still employable. I was looking for some external confirmation that I was enough.

The truth is I am enough. Just as I am, and I have a strong hunch that the direction I am going in is the right one for me. I don't know the details of how things will pan out, how I will earn an income over the next few months while I get my business off the ground.

I trust in the process which has taken me so far so quickly, and for the moment I allow myself to feel disappointed and vulnerable.

Progress over perfection

I have two more show notes to write before I launch my podcast, and I don't think I could be stringing it out any longer. I have a hunch that I actually don't want to launch, that I am a little fearful of what might happen when I do.

Some good opportunities seem to be opening up at the same time: I randomly met a guy who is starting a podcast network called Pidgin, and he has invited me to be part of the network.  And the few people that have had a sneak peak of the podcast are saying good things about it.

So, time to write some show notes and complete the task, even if I am not completely happy with what I write. Progress over perfection.

Not starting for fear of nothing

I am in the middle of writing the show notes for the first eight episodes of my podcast. I am experiencing a good amount of flow in doing this, having completed 5 of the 8 episodes inside three days, and am on track to launch next week.

I have noticed something happen to me in the pause between my writing, when I have completed the show notes for one episode and am having a break before I start the next. There is a real sense of doubt that I can repeat the effort of writing the notes for another show. I feel like I may well have extinguished all ability to coherently write, as if there is a finite reserve of words inside my head, and the previous effort was all I had left to give.

This uncertainty and fear prevents me from even starting to write. I don't want to commit to starting just to find out that there are no words left to flow through my pen. What would I do? How would I cope with this catastrophic scenario?

I recently completed a thirty day challenge to write non-stop for 15 minutes each day, without worrying about the coherence or punctuation or profoundness of what I was writing. To write whatever it was the flowed through my consciousness. The freedom this exercise gave me is something that has extended beyond writing. The thing I learnt was that I have had a belief that it is only acceptable to take something from my head and put it into the world if I knew it was going to be perfect. The truth is that it will never be perfect the first time, and it can never be understood and refined until it is in a tangible rather than intellectual form.

This thinking has held me back in so many areas - creating art, learning new skills, starting businesses, meeting new people. Time to allow whatever it is inside me to flow, and only then to try and understand what it is I am creating.

The generosity of taking care of yourself first

I was talking to a friend recently who was struggling with finding time for himself in the midst of a hectic job and young family. It was an interesting time for him to be pondering this as he was coming to the end of a six week stint when his family was overseas, and he was able to rediscover what it was that helped him to feel energised and vital.

As we were talking we started to wonder about the extremes of the scenario where you were not looking after yourself for the supposed good of those whom you love. Would we be willing to neglect ourselves so much, and give so much of ourselves to others, that we would die for those we are closest to? No, definitely not a sensible approach. 

What about a level of neglect and giving where we made ourselves sick for our most loved ones? Probably not, but that definitely seems to happen.

What about a level of neglect and giving where we were sluggish most of the time, sometimes grumpy, and deprived of feeling our best, all for the good of those we spend most of our time with? Well, yes actually. That is exactly what we are willing and actively do most of the time.

We then speculated about turning this around and instead thinking, what do I need to give myself in order to ensure that I am present and energised with those closest to me as often as possible? Do I need to get away by myself once a year for two weeks of hanging out with my friends? Do I need an hour each day to sit and think, to exercise, to write, without any distractions? Do I need one night per week where I don't have any responsibilities at home, to go to a meet-up, a film, out for dinner, or play with my friends?

I think this is something we can all give ourselves. In many ways it seems selfish, but I think that in taking care of ourselves as best we can, we actually have more to give those we love the most. And this includes offering the same opportunities to our significant other to take care of themselves.

The selfishness of the wellbing of others

It is actually in my interest that other people in my life are well and safe and secure. Whether this be family members, friends, people I know and have every right to despise, or people who I don't even know but make up this human race I am part of.

Because when people are well, there is less for me to be concerned about. I do not have to be concerned with the negative influence they will have on my life. I do not have to be concerned about materially supporting them. I do not have to be concerned with the impact they will have on those I care about.

And from a positive point of view, when people are well they bring so much goodness to the local and global cultures I am part of. They enhance my life by brining new thinking, new histories and learnings, new ways of being.

There are two specific circumstances I am thinking of in writing this. One is when we have a person in our life whom we are angry with, whom we do not want to see succeed. It feels that their success is our diminishment, and there is no way we can see that their success actually enhances us as well.

The second is when there are groups of people who are part of our global community and whom some people want to see stay undernourished, sick, struggling and second class members of this community. Our liberation can only come when we see the global system we are part of, and see that when one part of this system is sick or hurting, the entire system is sick or hurting.

Questions for mindfulness, not guilt

I have started to ask myself a series of questions each morning. They could easily be questions that elicit guilt within me. Part of the exercise is to remind myself that I ask myself these questions to encourage mindful decision making throughout my day. They are not to make me feel guilty.

These are the questions:

• What am I going to eat today?
• Who am I going to talk with today?
• What am I going to contribute today?
• What am I going to feed my brain with today?
• How am I going to move today?
• What time am I going to go to sleep tonight?

They seem like rhetorical questions, but I do not take them this way. When I answer 'pizza and chips' to the question 'what am I going to eat today?', I do not feel bad about this. I feel that I have made a deliberate decision to eat in that way, aware of what the impact will be on my body, and that tomorrow my body will need something different, and probably more nutritious.

Judge not, lest ye be judged

On Sunday night I was at an Italian restaurant for my mum's birthday. There were about eleven of us there, including my two young boys are their cousin of a similar age. The three boys love hanging out together, which is great for them and often difficult for the parents, especially at a restaurant.

We were surviving pretty well thanks to a early order and delivery of pizza and chips. The adults had ordered their pizza, and just as they were being placed on our table I noticed a couple of lemon lime and bitters drinks sitting in front of the boys. I was commenting on this being strange as I did not remember ordering them, when all of a sudden my eldest son reached out to get some chips and knocked the full glass over on one of the freshly placed pizzas.

I was just about to launch into a lesson and lecture for my son on being aware of oneself at the table when I caught myself - perhaps 2 days of silence helped me to be aware of the situation. People were laughing, and there was no real harm done. I was probably the one who was most embarrassed, and even the pizza ended up being salvageable. 

One day later, yesterday, I had made my way into the city for a job interview. After taking a year off work and only now just getting back into interviewing, what is usually a nervous situation was even more so for me.

I was sitting down with one of the two people who was going to interview me, waiting for the second person to arrive. When she did arrive she reached out to shake my hand - I never know in these moments whether to stay seated and shake hands, or to stand. It always feels better to have stood up, but it also seems overly formal. With this running through my head, I managed a half sitting half standing hybrid approach to shaking hands, and in the process managed to forget that I had a full glass of water right in front of me. Not even making it to the handshake, I managed to knock the entire full glass all over the table. 

Somewhere in the background I faintly heard a rooster crow three times.

Bailing out too early

When I was a kid I played a lot of cricket, and was quite good. As a thirteen year old I had an opportunity to play for a club at a higher level, but I decided not to go to the final training session, and missed out on getting into the team. I bailed out because of some insignificant logistical reasons, and I remember thinking that it wasn't something I wanted to do anyway due to loyalty to my old club.

I am going through a similar thing at the moment where I am starting to interview for two really interesting jobs, neither of which I am yet sure I am perfectly suited for, or if they want me for the job, or if I want to work there. I don't know how it would impact my life and the things I am wanting to do, and the temptation is to pull out now due to the overwhelming uncertainty.

But this time I am going to stay in the process and see where it leads. There is the possibility they will decide I am not quite right for the job, and that I will decide the same. Or it may just be perfect. The only way to find out is to keep showing up.